Tuesday, January 6, 2009

My true, raw self

Being my true, raw self is beautiful and vibrant like these pitangas.

Every month I go through a roller coaster that I believe is quite common among women. For roughly the first two weeks I am good humored, eating healthy, and overall "fine". The other half of the month I am cranky, impatient, and going through cycles of binging and guilt. In other words, I am not myself.

Or so I thought.

Today I had a very interesting "aha moment", which made me realize that maybe it's the opposite. Maybe, just maybe, my true self only comes through during the infamous PMS. Let me explain.

I have had bad PMS for as long as I can remember, and for the last two years with raw food I have become more and more aware of it and what happens to my emotions during that portion of the month. In fact, for a while I realized that my PMS was getting much worse the more days I managed to stay raw each month: inevitably, everything would end in a huge chain of binges that only stopped when I got my period again (phew!).

What I believed was that the more I became raw the more I got closer to really living out my true self, doing what I want to do, being in the now, etc. However, I thought that was the "nice" side of myself, the one that showed up after PMS was over, the patient, good humored one who hardly raises her voice when someone purposedly steps on her callouses.
So what happened in practice was that I was raw the first part of the month and when PMS settled in I either "fought" it daily going through cycles of raw-binge-raw or "accepted" the whole situation and let myself eat whatever and how much I needed to forget what was going on.

This time, because of a big personal crisis, I started paying attention to the "good" part of the month and realized maybe that's not the true me after all. Maybe that's all the ego, going "look at how nice I am" or "look how people like me". Maybe my "bad side" is not really bad. After all, it.s during that phase when I can tell people what I think without fear of disapproval. In other words, each month my true self tries everything to assert itself and come out, but I just keep trying to shut it up everytime. With food.

This really brought about a shift within me and I think I will be finally able to go through an entire month - PMS and all - living my true, raw self. I can't wait to see what more I will find out about myself!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I think so--the emotions wouldn't be coming up if they weren't from somewhere. That is a fantastic realization to make, to know you no longer have to deny a part of yourself.