Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Perfectly fearful

I am back in paradise only to remind myself that paradise is ultmately within myself...
Here I am, back in Brazil for a little over a month, happy to have all the fruit again and for the first time in my life starting to seriously try what I've always wanted to do - be a professional writer.

It could be the perfect scenario. Take this exact moment. My husband and son are napping and I am all to myself, looking at the three little monkeys who just found some pink mango leftovers I left in the back yard. Yet today I am blocked, wanting to curl myself up in the hammock with some fiction and loads of chocolate wafers.

At first glance, there are "serious reasons" for this: the house is a mess (it has been raining all the time and the mold comes back as fast as I wipe it off), I don't have any sacred, private space to concentrate, there are a bunch of pending issues to resolve plus other projects, there aren't enough hours in the day... In other words, the famous "If Only..." perfection syndrome that happens to everyone at some point in life. Yet, as most people probably also know, it isn't about perfection, but about fear. This perfectionism is only an excuse to look away from the fear.

Thus, here I am trying to let go of this stupid fear for the nth time. I have dozens of (undone) writing projects that have been pilling up over the years, the largest and most ambitious being a book on food (habits, disorders, awareness, etc.). I have it all in my head (and its structure is written down) but when it comes to putting it down on paper, I just... can't. This is not the first time I am going over these fears (as my therapist knows too well!!) but perhaps letting them out publicly will help. Here's a random list:

- That after all the work, the book will not be good enough for publishing;
- If it is published, that it won't sell; or
- That it will sell too much and I'll be overexposed;
- Of being criticized and/or ridiculed by people close and not-so-close to me;
- Of having my thoughts exposed to people that don't know certain things about me (like the binge-eating syndrome);
- That people will think I am not qualified enough to write a book on such subjects
- Etc., etc., etc.

Now that I wrote it down, it seems almost ridiculous itself! Yet the fear still won't let go of me. I even wonder what will my readers think of all this!! :)

Hey, what are you looking at?? :)